i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
