i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
