the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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