It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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