I think I won the penis lottery.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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