I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize