if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
