So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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