i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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