If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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