we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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