i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
