apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
