Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
