Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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