shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pants are for mortals
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
