we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize