I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
