Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
