You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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