I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
