my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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