the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
