He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
