An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i dont even know how to be here
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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