Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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