i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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