I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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