I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it's like iHOP with fire
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
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