his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
