i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
