Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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