i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
