Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The Olympian is in my bed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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