My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
