Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
