Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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