My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You did what with his pubic hair?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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