3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's never too late to be topless.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize