textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
