She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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