i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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