His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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