how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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