He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
