The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
