At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
