I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
