WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
