did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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