FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
how does that bad decision feel?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
