Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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