don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
