I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
