So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
