a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
