Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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