The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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