I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
