I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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