I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
