he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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