when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
