Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
