all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
