she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
