So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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