My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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